Pandemic Love #5: Recalibrating Intimacy
By Jeanne Donegan
How are you doing? Submit your questions to Pandemic Love here!
A profound submission this week prompted a thorough response from me so I’ll keep this brief and hand my introduction over to the incredible Audre Lorde.
The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings. It is an internal sense of satisfaction to which, once we have experienced it, we know we can aspire. For having experienced the fullness of this depth of feeling and recognizing its power, in honor and self respect we can require no less of ourselves.
- Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power
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I’m scared I’ve lost my intimate self. The isolation has impacted my heart (now the idea of intimacy scandalizes me because I’m so unused to touch). I’m new to my town and then the pandemic hit and I really don’t know if I’ll date before there is a vaccine. I know this sounds dramatic, and it is! Here’s my worry: I want good, abundant love and it is so far away from me that it would be easier not to search. It would be easier to keep defining myself by my work and friendships. I’m really very alone and it seems impossible now to find someone to break through.
On a shelf
30, she/her, DC
You don’t sound dramatic at all -- you’re reacting to the sudden and unforeseen halt to your romantic life. That’s no small thing, and you’re most certainly not alone in those fears. This situation would be a lot easier if we knew when it would be over, if we had a vaccine date on our calendars that we could just hold out for. The uncertainty about how much longer this period of social isolation will last is often the most overwhelming part.
Intimacy can be a very expansive experience if we allow it to be. We have a tendency, especially in the U.S., to brand intimacy as something we can only get from sexual/romantic partners, compounded with the societal pressure to find “the one” person who is supposed to satisfy all of our needs. This can often leave us feeling alone even before the pandemic. Now more than ever, it’s important for us to open ourselves up to finding intimacy in more than one place. How might you deepen your emotional connection to your friends during this time? Or begin to cherish spending time with yourself? What else can you throw your energy into that will inspire you to feel deeply? And how can you safely integrate dating into your life as just one of the many ways you practice intimacy?
I’ll dig into potential pandemic dating logistics in a moment, but I want to start with something you said that really struck me, “I want good, abundant love and it is so far away from me that it would be easier not to search.” I want you to think about dating pre-pandemic. Knowing and searching for the kind of love you want is a courageous act -- it takes confidence, openness, vulnerability, and resilience to go on a first date with anyone at any time. It would always be easier not to search than to put yourself in a position to be rejected or disappointed.
That first date after a long period of not dating is always a little bewildering -- we fumble through remembering how to flirt and asking all the surface level pleasantries, but the more we do it the more comfortable it all becomes. While the concept of dating right now seems daunting, even potentially dangerous, if you approach it with awareness, caution, and creativity -- there are safe ways that you can continue forming new connections with people, the process will just look different than it did before.
If you weren’t using dating apps prior to the pandemic, now is a great time to explore that option. While the prospect of meeting someone in person may seem totally out of reach at the moment, consider if there are any local organizations you could get involved in, especially because you mentioned being new to your area. What causes are important to you? Could you join a community garden or an activist book club over zoom? Help out at a donation site collecting items for families experiencing food insecurity? Could you meet up with co-workers to attend a protest against police brutality? These are all things, done safely, that would not only better your community but help you feel like an active member of it, while offering you a chance to meet new people who share some of your core values (which is the biggest foundation for friendship and love). This might also be an ideal time to reach out to friends and ask if they have any other single friends they might connect you to -- if it’s someone you’re attracted to, maybe you could engage in a thoughtful dating process with them, with the added assurance that you have a mutual friend who can vouch for them. If it’s not someone you’re sexually interested in, maybe they can become another single comrade who’s going through the same things right now. Sharing an emotional intimacy with someone you can really relate to is just as valuable and necessary as physical intimacy.
Now, moving on to logistics of dating safely. Your initial date with someone should probably be over video chat. It will be awkward, you both will fumble through it, and it might slightly resemble a job interview, but try to think of this as the brief coffee/cocktail first date where you’re feeling each other out before you commit to something like dinner -- the risks are too high to suss someone out for the first time in-person right now. Use that video chat to answer the standard first date questions for yourself: Do I like their face? Are they funny? Do I want to know more about them? -- and then call it at maybe 20-30 minutes. Consider pouring yourself a cup of tea or beverage of some sort beforehand, and plan to stay for the duration of that beverage - like you would if you met at a café as it provides a natural end point. Don’t be discouraged if it still feels a little weird. The barrier of the screen is difficult to connect through, but if you still want to know more about them after that conversation, follow up by suggesting an in-person outdoor date. Discuss your exposure and risk levels, and other personal boundaries first -- if you feel compatible in those areas then go for it. It’s a good idea to ask how they are practicing social distancing in their day to day to assess. For instance -- I would feel much safer going on a date with someone who recently attended a huge protest wearing a mask, than going out with someone who ate inside at a restaurant without a mask, but those precautions will be up to you. Now is also a great time to find out if you have compatible political, moral, and ethical values.
Consider meeting up in a park where you BYOBeverage + mask + blanket, and talk from a safe distance. If things go well, keep outdoor/distance dating until you build up enough trust with this person to have a conversation about physical contact. What steps do you both need to take in order to feel safe going further? It might sound a little antiquated, but try to think of it as an expanded exercise in consent. It can be hot and flirtatious to negotiate your future touch together. Instead of looking at that as a hindrance to dating, try to see it as an opportunity to experience intimacy in ways you haven’t before. What does it feel like to really extend the build up of tension before the first kiss? It might feel like a covid swab up in your sinuses BUT, before you reach the point of getting tested, I would reckon there could be some pretty steamy moments of suspended desire. Really, it’s edging at a greater distance. Remember the infamous orchid scene from 40 Days and 40 Nights? Throw a couple masks on Josh Hartnett and Shannyn Sossamon, and you have a totally approved sexual pandemic experience according to the NYC Health Department.
Ultimately, evaluating your risks while dating is going to be very personal and dependent upon many variables in your life, as well as the lives of people you’re considering spending time with. The most important thing will be building trust, which is going to take a little time. Dating always requires a level of trust, and while in the past we may have been a little cavalier about this, all the tools we normally use in dating are still at work now, we just need to use them more wisely. We pay attention to red flags, we let friends know where we are, who we’re with, and when they should expect to hear from us; and we reserve the right to bail at any time if things don’t feel right. And if at any point you feel exhausted by dating and not excited about it -- take a break. I recommend this to everyone, pandemic or no pandemic. If the costs start to outweigh the benefits, let it rest for a bit and come back to it when you’re feeling more energized.
Dating aside...I want to roll all the way back to the first sentence you wrote...I’m scared I’ve lost my intimate self. It is so important to have a healthy, intimate relationship with ourselves and with our own bodies independent of a partner. So if you feel like you’ve lost your ability to experience intimacy just because you aren’t able to physically share it with another person at this moment, that means your intimate relationship with yourself needs some care. What makes you feel good and connected to your body? Have you invested in your sexual pleasure recently? When was the last time you took yourself on a date to do something you enjoy?
This won’t necessarily be for everyone, but when I was last at my peak dating prowess the most erotic nights I had were alone. I’d smoke a little weed (which always makes me feel super sensual in my body, but this part of the recipe can most certainly be left out if you don’t partake), light a candle, put on a playlist I made called “songs to dance to slowly and alone” and dance in my living room until I turned myself on enough to take my little solo party back to the bedroom, or bring that candle into the bath for a more spa like experience. Sometimes I’d swap the playlist out for another called “a sensual mix for sensual people” -- this one works solo and partnered. Please feel free to use it, I’ve gotten many sultry compliments on it over the years.
All that to say, dating is more challenging than usual right now but not impossible. While you inch back into a new way of dating, don’t forget to give yourself the physical pleasure you’re longing for. Cook yourself an extravagant meal, get some peppermint essential oil to make your skin tingle, go swimming in a lake if you can find one, buy yourself the sex toy you’ve always been curious about, and find safe ways to allow the physical presence of friends into your circle. Romance aside, prolonged isolation is really hard on us. I’ve found socially distanced, face-to-face time with friends to have a huge impact on my mental stability and my desire for emotional intimacy without the barrier of a screen between us. I know there are things we can only get from sharing pleasure with a romantic partner, but there are so many ways to activate our own sensuality and eroticism independently. Doing so only increases our pleasure when we are intimate with other people and it makes us better partners in the future.
The last thing I would suggest is potentially seeking out a therapist to talk through these feelings with. Clearly the pandemic in the U.S. will not be resolved anytime soon and it might help to have some consistent support outside of your friendships too. A couple years ago, I felt exhausted by dating, and I was so ready for a partnership. I was fulfilled in all the other areas of my life, just felt like I was missing this deep romantic love (similar to what you described) and it was an all consuming thought. So consuming that I finally decided to see a therapist about it. I was suspicious of it at first, even though I wholly believed in therapy for other people. I had such an abundance of loving friendships in my life, I didn’t think I needed to talk it out any more, but I was so wrong. My therapist was able to identify things that my friends weren’t, and she wasn’t clouded by her love for me in the process. She helped me realize I was already putting myself out there, open and ready to accept a partner into my life when the time came, but I would have to accept that I just had to wait -- I couldn’t control time. The only thing I could control was the amount of bandwidth the search for love took up in my mind -- and this is what we focused on together. On top of doing all this work to de-emphasize the pressure of finding someone to love, she encouraged me to reprioritize what I was actually looking for in a partner, which helped me stop wasting time on people who weren’t prioritizing me. These two strategies made the process of recognizing the kind of love I was looking for so much simpler, and that love wasn’t always romantic in nature.
This will pass eventually. Nurture your relationship with yourself, your friends, and your community in the meantime, and be open to the possibilities of dating in alternative ways. Please feel free to follow up with us by sharing any dating/pleasurable experiences you engage in soon. <3
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This Week’s Resources:
You Deserve to Practice Elaborate Masturbation in Your Life; Here’s How - Autostraddle
Finding Pleasure in a World Set on Destroying You - Spectrum Journal
Masks, No Kissing, and ‘a Little Kinky’: Dating and Sex in a Pandemic - June 11, 2020 - NY Times
The New Rules of Dating - July 18, 2020 - NY Times
Safer Sex and Covid-19 Guide - NYC Health Department