Pandemic Love #7:Monogamy Doesn’t Have to be Your Default
By Jeanne Donegan
How are you doing? Submit your questions to Pandemic Love here!
I’m going to say something that, in my circle, feels outdated and traditional...I love monogamy. I think it rocks. I love building a deep, vulnerable, romantic partnership. I love sleeping beside the same person every night and establishing a profound intimacy. But I’ve come to realize that part of the reason I love it so much is because it is a conscious choice I’m making with my partner at this moment in our relationship. I’ve learned through curiosity and research, as well as through witnessing diverse expressions of love and intimacy within my community, that monogamy is only one of many frameworks in which we can experience romantic love. There are so many ways to navigate our relationships -- to open them up, to share them, to hold them close, and we owe it to ourselves to explore the full spectrum of options available to us.
Last night, a close friend and I were discussing how we both really enjoy sharing stories about our flirtations and crushes with our monogamous partners. She finds it alluring and reminds her that her partner is a sexual being who experiences desire and is likewise desired by others.
I loved how she said “we choose today”, as if monogamy is not fixed. Even while I’m enjoying monogamy right now, I’m only two years into my current relationship. Things change, desires evolve, passions fade -- and all of that is okay. Knowing that my partner and I are both open to conversations about the form our relationship takes as we move forward together feels exciting and limitless, even from the cozy confines of our current monogamy.
Even if your relationship is monogamous by default, you CAN and SHOULD have conversations about the kinds of boundaries you’d like to set for that relationship. Monogamy should be as negotiated and adaptable as the many, many varieties of non-monogamous relationships. If we stop viewing it as the default, it has so much more potential.
When I last had an OkCupid profile, I answered one of their 500 questions by selecting “monogamous” with an added qualifier stating, “...but flexible.” I received a lot of questions about what I meant by this, and at the time it was hard to put into words. I just knew that my previous experiences of monogamy hadn’t been the kind I wanted -- they felt limiting, and more than once I ended up kissing other people during those relationships, and to be honest I really enjoyed those experiences (except for the one that gave me mono in college). However, I didn’t feel that non-monogamy was quite right for me. What I was looking for was a version of monogamy that allowed for shifting possibilities. I wanted a relationship with one person where I felt like I didn’t “belong” to anyone, and where I didn’t have to explain myself, or prove my fidelity over and over. One where I could just be an independent sexual person moving through the world, experiencing attraction, flirtation, lust, and desire, and share that with another person who acknowledged those same feelings within themselves. And if one of us kissed another person in the heat of a particular moment, it wouldn’t necessarily be the end of the world.
Is that monogamy? Perhaps it’s more in line with what Dan Savage refers to as “monogamish” but either way, it’s a spectrum, and it’s personal. We don’t have to subscribe to a relationship model that flattens our experience of love in any way.
***
My partner and I decided to move in together a few months into the quarantine lockdown. I thought it would help our busy and sometimes opposite schedules if we did so. Things were fine for the first while, but tensions rose inevitably and we decided to end all romantic aspects of our relationship in order to preserve both our home and our feelings towards one another. The other boundaries we have set are agreed upon and I think will work well for us going forward.
From the outside perspective, we are now in an open relationship for all intents and purposes. Separate rooms, no intimate contact of any kind, etc. This will also be my first foray into polyamory of any kind. And to that end, excuse any misuse of terminology herein. That said, navigating any sort of casual dating or hookup scenario in the midst of a global pandemic has proven itself daunting. My partner is not as concerned as I am with maintaining a sex life these days. But I also am very wary of the possibility of bringing home more contagions than I already am as an essential worker. My main focuses are safely and transparently seeking out a partner for sex while maintaining a sense of normalcy at home. My problem essentially is two-fold: successfully living with an ex partner and making good with them as well as I can, and safely establishing a sexual relationship outside the home. Thanks for your time and consideration.
B. Wildered
27, he/him, Chicago
This sounds like a really complicated situation and I’m sorry to hear you find yourself in such a tough spot. There’s a lot I want to unpack here, but since you mention not having much experience in the way of non-monogamy, let’s start by defining some of the terms you brought up to help navigate this ongoing conversation with your partner.
First, you refer to this person as both “my partner/ex-partner”, and use the terms “open relationship/polyamory” -- all of which denote different things. This leads me to believe that maybe there’s still some confusion around what you each want this relationship to look like moving forward.
The difference between an open relationship vs. a polyamorous one is very nuanced and can take many forms based on each relationship, but ultimately it all comes down to open communication, honesty, respect, and trust (like any relationship). Generally speaking, the term “open relationship” more often refers to a primary partnership where one or both partners casually date and/or have sex with other people. Polyamorous relationships, on the other hand, distinctly allow for the possibility of forming loving partnerships with multiple people at once, either independently, or by bringing other people into the primary partnership. There’s fluidity between these terms, but they both fall under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamy. However, when it comes to non-monogamy, the “romantic” aspects of the primary partnership (i.e. the partner with whom you have the strongest commitment) are usually still active. It’s a decision that people make when they want to expand and deepen their experience of love and pleasure, both together and with others.
There are also plenty of people who choose to be in “companionate” relationships who cohabitate without having sex, but care for and support one another in a deeper way that exceeds friendship alone. This is generally seen more in partners who have been in a long-term commitment and whose sexual passion towards one another has fizzled over time. This type of relationship could also work well between partners where one or more people identify as asexual, i.e. don’t experience sexual desire, but who still desire some form of partnership, affection, and emotional intimacy. A companionate relationship may be monogamous or non-monogamous depending on the sexual needs of those involved.
All terms aside, I think it’s crucial to identify what you both want, or don’t want, out of this relationship. Are you interested in exploring sex/intimacy with other people while maintaining and nurturing a relationship with the person you just began living with? Have you simply discovered through moving in together that what you really have is more of a friendship and that’s the part you want to preserve? Is there something more here that you are hoping will continue to grow when the romantic pressure is off the relationship? OR are you moving forward with an open relationship as a result of your living arrangements, and not because you truly think it's the right move for both of you?
Those are some important questions to consider before beginning to see other people. It’s still a bit unclear to me from your submission if you’ve actually just ended the relationship, and are deciding to move on separately while living together due to a range of circumstances. But because you mention setting boundaries together, which is the cornerstone of any non-monogamous arrangement, I’m going to move forward under the assumption that you are both consciously trying out an open relationship.
Exploring non-monogamy can be a really wonderful thing, but it can also be extremely emotional and take some time to adjust to. The timeline you described sounds like it all unraveled very quickly after moving in together, and I wonder how you and your partner are both feeling about this decision. Do you feel hurt? Disappointed? Regretful? Guilty? If you both feel relieved, or excited even, about transitioning into a more companionate and/or open relationship, you have clear boundaries, and trust each other to adhere to those boundaries, then there’s no reason this can’t continue to be a successful relationship, albeit different from the one you started with.
So, getting to your question -- how does one safely pursue sex with new people while living with a former lover, with the added caveat of a pandemic?
In Issue 5 I wrote in depth about some logistics of dating during this time; from distance outdoor hangs, to negotiating physical contact based on your exposure risk levels. While the content of that column focused more on dating vs. hooking up, I also linked to the Safer Sex and Covid-19 Guide established by the NYC Health Department. This guide acknowledges that it's unrealistic to expect that people will stop having sex during this time, so how can we do that with the most minimal risk? The ultimate answer is to wear a mask during sex and avoid kissing. If you get a lot out of the thrill of casual hook ups with new people, and adding masks to those encounters seems kind of hot and exciting to you -- then perfect! Masks are scientifically proven to dramatically reduce the spread of Covid-19, so think of the mask in this case as you would any other prophylactic used to prevent the spread of STIs.
Personally, I don’t feel I could truly enjoy sex without mouths involved. If you share that sentiment, then you might opt for other approaches to sex that are less high risk. While you can still casually date outdoors at a distance, instead of that date ending in a physical hook up, what if it results in forming a casual sexting exchange? Sexting can be insanely erotic, and ignite the same charge and build up we experience in-person. Part of what can be so hot about it is that you can engage in it throughout the day at times that are unexpected or even a little taboo. There’s an element of spontaneity, surprise, and titillation to it that can be really arousing and expand the experience of masturbation through sharing it with another person. If this virtual way of hooking up is going well, and you build enough of a trusting rapport with this person, you can start to discuss safety measures around physical contact. You can both continue sexting while you wait for Covid test results, tests in Chicago have been coming back in a few days or less -- it’s inconvenient but it’s not that long to hold off just to be safe.
Enthusiastic and ongoing consent is going to be key while dating and hooking up right now. You have to be conscious and considerate of everyone’s various risk levels and anxieties. Some people might be down to have sex right away if they live alone and work from home, and thus their chance of spreading Covid is very low. Others might feel differently and will want to take things very slowly. You’ll have to be transparent about what you’re looking for and be upfront about either being in an open relationship, and/or living with your ex. Not everyone will be comfortable dating under those circumstances and it’s important to be respectful of that. Be sure that consent is mutually agreed upon, clear, and understood by all people involved. This includes your former partner, because any sexual activity either of you engage in outside your shared home will affect both of you. And it’s very important to keep in mind that these conversations around consent must be continuous -- circumstances are constantly changing these days which will inevitably result in shifting boundaries. We need to keep checking in with all of our partners on a regular basis and remember that consent can always be retracted.
I think your biggest challenge is going to be navigating this with your ex/partner in terms of exposure and safety, in addition to remaining sensitive to each other's emotional needs. One approach in non-monogamous arrangements is a DADT agreement (don’t ask/don’t tell), where both parties agree in advance that they don’t want to know anything about the other’s sexual activities outside the relationship. This approach runs the risk of hurt feelings and jealousy going unaddressed, but given the unique scenario of living with a former lover, it might make sense for you. However, with the necessity to be communicative about your degree of Covid exposure, I think a DADT agreement is too dicey right now.
You said you’re feeling good about the boundaries you both have set in place already. Some of those boundaries could be:
Neither of you bring dates back to your shared home.
You both agree to wear a mask when indoors/less than 6 ft from other people (i.e. sex).
You agree to respect each other’s safety concerns if boundaries need to change.
You get Covid tested regularly if/when you begin sleeping with other people, and share those results with all partners.
Those are a few examples, which you may have already covered, but will hopefully emphasize that the way you’ll get through this is just by being totally open and transparent with one another. This is a tough scenario even without the pandemic, and I encourage you to try to be patient with one another. Reestablishing your sex life right now will need to look different than it has in your past, and it will likely be a slower, less spontaneous process. I know that’s not a very pleasing answer, but especially as an essential worker who does not live alone, you have to accept the risk and responsibility as you begin to date new people. This is not an easy thing, and it feels unfair -- so as I frequently suggest, talking through these challenges and feelings with a therapist might really help. Maintaining a sex life is a very natural concern, and under normal circumstances I’ve been known to lean into the cliche that “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” -- I know that, for me, sleeping with other people after a break up has been tremendously cathartic to remind myself that I can in fact experience pleasure with others, but if that feels like a coping mechanism that you don’t especially have access to for the time being, seeking out other resources for support right now will be helpful.
If you and your partner choose to continue your relationship with each other and open yourselves up to non-monogamy, then I would start by browsing through the resources I’ve linked below. And if ultimately you decide to fully end the partnership, I think it’s still admirable that you’re working to consider alternative relationship styles to best accommodate one another’s needs during this time. <3
***
This Week’s Resources:
What is Polyamory? - Short video w/ Ester Perel and Margie Nichols
Poly Glossary - More Than Two
11 Books for Getting Started with Polyamory and Non-Monogamy - Autostraddle
Real Talk About Open Relationships -- The Atlantic
The Rise of the 3-Parent Family - The Atlantic
Monogamish - Documentary film trailer
What It’s Like Dating When You’re Living With Your Ex - Personal account by Belinda Cai, published by Tinder