Pandemic Love #10
Working Through Internal Conflict
By Jeanne Donegan
How are you doing? Submit your questions to Pandemic Love here!
It’s 2021, and after over 10 months of social distancing, I’m really reconsidering how to preserve intimacy and connection on a much broader scale than sex and romance alone. Things like gently trying to convince my students that their experience could be richer if only they would turn their Zoom cameras on once in a while, or grappling with the fact that this is the first time I’ve ever gone more than a year without seeing my family, or the totally wild concept of trying to form new friendships/relationships with people outside in the cold behind masks. It’s a lot, but I haven’t given up trying.
Writing this column over the last year has been an incredibly meaningful experience and has provided unexpected new ways of connection. I’m very grateful for the opportunity to delve into topics I care deeply about, and so appreciative of everyone who has written in to share their personal experiences. You have all been very generous with your submissions, your readership, and your positive feedback, and I thank you for it.
Today’s question deals with a tough topic and contains references to sexual assault. If you’re not up for that, it’s totally okay to stop reading here. This submission brings up some really important issues surrounding fantasy vs. reality and coping with the aftermath of trauma. Thank you to this person for sharing this challenging situation. I know their struggle will be relatable to many and it’s so helpful to normalize talking openly about these things.
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OK, so this is a heavy one. Sorry in advance. I was sexually assaulted in 2018 and have been struggling to figure out what turns me on since then. Before that, I (a cisgender female) was vaguely into porn that was degrading to women, light BDSM, and even fantasies of someone breaking into your house or power dynamics like teacher/student, that kind of thing. Now, post-assault, I feel uneasy about these fantasies. The reality of r*pe, of having your power taken away, makes it hard to enjoy the fantasy. I find myself feeling lost and guilty when I try to look at the porn that I used to enjoy or fantasize about the situations that used to turn me on, often closing my laptop with some vague feeling of dissatisfaction, sometimes even triggered. I feel like I don't really know what turns me on anymore.
Lost at Home
31, she/her
Please don’t feel the need to apologize at all for sharing your experience. I’m grateful that you would reach out for my perspective on something so important. First off, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it sounds like a really challenging conflict. Anything done to you without your consent is not okay, even if the thing that turns you on is the role-played illusion of non-consensual sex. Sexual touch can be difficult after an experience like this, no matter what. The biggest thing to remember here is that you didn’t do anything wrong, and there is nothing you need to feel guilty about. Just because you’re into porn that circles around power play and forced-sex (or ravishment) fantasies, doesn’t mean you want these things to happen to you in real life without your consent, and definitely does not mean you are condoning sexual violence by engaging with this type of role-play in porn.
Ravishment fantasies are incredibly common, particularly among women. An article written by Dr. Kate Lister, sex researcher and lecturer at Leeds Trinity University in England, notes several studies on this topic, one of which found 62% of the 355 participating women experienced fantasies of forceful sex. That’s more than half--that’s a majority! She goes on to point out that, “the first thing that needs to be established is that these are not fantasies about r*pe, they are about submission and domination.” Like any branch of BDSM, the desire is rooted in control and a relinquishment of control between consenting partners. Though you clearly state that you’ve had these kinds of fantasies prior to being assaulted, it might help to know that many people develop these fantasies for the first time after experiencing an act of sexual violence. It could be the brain’s way of regaining control over the experience.
So, just know there are so many other people who feel these same desires. The thing to work on, is figuring out how to mentally/emotionally separate what happened to you from your fantasies--because the two are not the same. In watching porn or fantasizing, you are in control of how it plays out and when it stops. If you were to enact this fantasy with a partner, you would have an extensive consent conversation first, and a safeword going in, so that even while you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and let go of control, you still maintain your power throughout the experience. The work of separating the reality from the fantasy will take time and should be done with the guidance of a therapist.
You mentioned this happened back in 2018. I don’t want to presume you don’t have a therapist or haven’t sought out therapy, at least short-term, after the assault, but I do want to emphasize that talk therapy can be so transformative even for a short time. It’s especially important if you’ve experienced something traumatic. It seems like an obvious thing to recommend but, if you’re anything like me, you totally support therapy for other people, however when it comes to yourself you may have reservations. It took me years to see a therapist for the first time. It felt like the thing I was going through wasn’t that big a deal, or that I could handle it on my own. But at the same time I was deeply sad, and it was beginning to affect other areas of my life that previously brought me joy.
If you are working with a therapist, I wonder if you have shared the fact that your own desires and sexual interests are in direct conflict with this experience? I can imagine sharing about the assault, but withholding that more complex information because you may have felt some shame around it, or even feared judgement. Remember, your desires are valid and common--a sex-positive, trauma-informed therapist or counselor will know this and will not judge you for it (and if they do, they’re no good and you can find a better one).
While you continue working through these conflicting feelings and developing healthy ways to compartmentalize between your fantasies vs. lived experience, I would consider taking a break from watching porn that you know is likely to trigger you--with the awareness that it will still be there if/when you feel ready. Instead of trying to repeatedly engage in this thing you used to love, but that is currently distressing you, now may be a good time to explore what else has the potential to turn you on.
While we don’t necessarily get to choose the things that arouse us sexually, I do believe we can broaden our experience of pleasure with some practice by intentionally integrating a variety of visual and physical stimuli--not in place of, but in addition to. Once we find something that works, it’s easy for that thing to become our go-to, and sometimes our brain can form an association so strong that we begin to feel like that’s the only way for us to get off. That’s not inherently a bad thing. For example, I know so many women who have a really hard time getting off without a vibrator involved (myself included), and that’s all fine and good. But if you want to expand the ways you reach orgasm it might take a period without relying on those go-to methods so that your brain can form new pleasure pathways.
Are there other genres of porn you’ve been intrigued by but haven’t fully delved into, simply because you already knew what you’d eventually end up watching to get you all the way there? By switching up your masturbation routine, you might find that you won’t come right away or maybe not at all, and that’s okay--try to deemphasize orgasm as the goal of self-pleasure and be patient. Try to focus on it instead as time to relax and care for your body. You can also experiment with more physical sensations outside of porn--maybe changing the environment via lighting, scent, sound etc., smoking a little weed in the bathtub perhaps. Trying to meditate on the physical senses more might help relieve you from the need to fantasize about a particular scenario.
This could also be an opportune time to really consider where you get your porn. Free sites, while providing an ease of access, are not places where you can be sure content is ethically and consensually uploaded and produced. It might help you in forming that separation between fantasy/reality to know the porn you’re consuming is coming from a place where ethical treatment of the actors is prioritized. Maybe even longer form BDSM porn where the consent conversation actually exists as part of the experience of watching it. I’ve mentioned Pinklabel.tv in a previous Pandemic Love, as being an erotic indie film platform with a clearly defined ethos and sustainable/ethical production.
It’s possible that the real life experience altered your ability to enjoy this particular fantasy, and that is unfortunate and it’s not fair, but just be patient with yourself. Allow yourself time, prioritize discussions about consent with future partners, remind yourself that your pleasure is important and worth working through no matter what the circumstances. I’m going to link below to some reputable Chicago area counseling services that I think would be helpful, and if you’re not in Chicago they might provide a good model for what kinds of places to seek out in your own area. <3
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This Week’s Resources:
Chicago Women’s Health Center - Counseling services with sliding scale rates.
Howard Brown Health - In Power: Sexual Harm Response Program, LGBTQ specific, but also offers consultation services to other sexual assault programs.
Center on Halsted - LGBTQ focused but not exclusive, a safe place you can be sure will approach therapy from a sex-positive perspective.
RAINN - Anti-sexual violence organization and National Sexual Assault Hotline that can provide guidance to local resources and referrals for long-term support in your area.
Can Porn Help People Understand Consent? - If explicit verbal consent was included in more porn… - Teen Vogue
Why some women fantasize about forceful sex, and why that’s nothing to be ashamed of - Dr. Kate Lister, inews